Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Shift: 9 AM - 5 PM
Station: Slots
What's the difference between a cocktail waitress and a toilet?
A toilet deals with only one asshole at a time.
A customer made a dollar bill into a ring and gave it to me as a tip. I put it on and said, "I think a twenty would fit me better." He laughed and said, "I'll see what I can do." When I came around again he said, "I can't afford to give you a twenty, so here's a boat." That was really sweet!
Monday, September 27, 2004
Shift: 9 AM - 5 PM
Station: Slots
This Oriental lady was getting on my last nerve. The first time she
ordered she wanted a wine. I said, "What kind of wine?" She said,
"Red." When I brought it, she took it and said, "Thank you." When I
came around again to take orders she said, "Oh...you know, you brought me the
wrong kind. I wanted white. I don't like red wine." I could
see that she had drank half the glass, but I said, "OK, no problem, I'll bring
you a white wine." So I brought it, and again she said thank you.
The third time I came around she held the glass up to me and said, "This isn't
the right kind." I said, "It's white wine, it's what you ordered."
She said, "Yes, I know, but I want the kind that's pink." I said, "You
want a White Zinfandel?" She waved her hands and said, "Well, I say 'wine'
and I don't know what it's called, but you ask me what kind so I have to say
something." I wanted to strangle her. I said, "Well, it's called
White Zinfandel, and you need to remember that, because I can only bring you
what you order." She laughed and said, "Well, you know what I mean now."
I seriously had to take a few deep breaths before I could reply. "Are you
sure you want pink? Because we're all out of colors." She said,
"Yes, yes...bring me two because you keep bringing me the wrong kind before."
I just stared at her and said, "No." She said, "OK, OK. Well, don't
take a long time." Damn, how can one person be such a pain in the ass?
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Shift: 9 AM - 5 PM
Station: Slots
This lady ordered a Coke, and after I brought it she either didn't drink it, or
drank it very slowly because each time I came around I could see it getting more
and more watered down. After a few more rounds I said, "Would you like
another Coke?" She said, "Yes, but don't put so much water in it this
time." I said, "We don't put water in the Cokes." She pointed at her
glass and said, "Then why is there water in there?" I said, "Well...if you
let it sit there, eventually the ice will melt, and your drink becomes watered
down, because ice is made from water." She said, "I don't like to drink it
fast." I said, "Would you like a Coke without ice?" She said, "Will
it be cold? Because I like it really cold." I said, "Well, I don't
know what to tell you." She said, "Can you just bring me the can, and put
it in a bucket of ice?" I just started laughing and said, "It doesn't come
in cans. And no." She said, "Does it come in a bottle?" At
this point I really regretted getting into this ridiculous, time-wasting
conversation. I mean, I could have just kept on walking by, but no, I had
to stop and be concerned that her drink had become shitty-tasting since it had
become watered down, and now I was stuck talking to someone who's IQ didn't
reach double digits when I had other customers to serve. So I said, "You
know what? They have bottles of Cokes at the casino across the street.
And it's really cold. I go there all the time." She said, "Really?
Thanks." And she left. I have no idea what they serve over there,
but I'm sure it's not in bottles. Oh well, that's another cocktail
waitress' problem, and as they say, better her than me!
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Shift: 9 AM - 5 PM
Station: Slots
A hooker was trying to pick up a guy at the blackjack tables, and the guy told
the dealer he didn't want to be bothered. So the pit boss told the hooker
to leave or he would call security. I guess she didn't believe him because
she didn't move. When the security guard got there he told her to leave,
and she started screaming, "You can't tell me to leave just because I'm black!"
He said, "I'm telling you to leave because you are bothering a guest." She
kept screaming, "Are you prejudiced? You don't allow black people in your
casino? I'm gonna tell everyone that your casino is prejudiced against
black people!" She looked around at other customers and kept screaming,
"Did you know that I'm being kicked out because I'm black? This casino is
prejudiced!" This was particularly funny because it just so happened that
the customer who had complained was a black guy, and the pit boss who called
security was a black guy, and the security guard who was telling her to leave
was also a black guy. Anyway, they kicked her black ass out.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Shift: 9 AM - 5 PM
Station: Slots
Some guy got pissed off at a slot machine and punched it so hard the glass
shattered. A pit boss happened to be standing right next to the guy, who
immediately took off running. The pit boss called for security, then
chased after him. They both ran outside, and eventually the guy
disappeared into the crowd. What a disappointing ending to this story.
I hope the guy broke his hand.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Shift: 9 AM - 5 PM
Station: Slots
This very nice couple ordered two Coronas, and when I brought them the man said,
"We're from Orlin." Not having any idea where that was or what he was
talking about, I said, "Oh, how nice." He said, "Do you know where that
is?" I said, "Um, not really. Do you mean New Orleans?" He
said, "No...Orlin." I said, "I don't think I've heard of it." He
said, "Do you know where England is?" I said, "Of course...George Michael
lives there." He started laughing and said, "Yes, well, it's right next to
England." I thought hard for a second, then said, "Oh...you mean
Ireland...I gotcha! Sorry, I'm not real used to the Orlin accent."
He laughed and in a very overexaggerated enunciation said, "Yes, we are from
EYE-ER-LAND."
When I came in to work one of the cocktail waitresses handed me a twenty dollar bill and said that when I had left work the day before, a lady gave the money to the waitress who relieved me and said, "This is for Dollie, for her baby." I have no idea who it could have been, but that was very, very nice. So even though she will probably never know it, I just wanted to say, "Thank you very much, you can be sure it will go into the baby fund!"
Monday, September 20, 2004
Shift: 9 AM - 5 PM
Station: Slots
A man ordered an MGD and his wife ordered a vodka tonic. When I brought
their drinks the lady said, "That's not a double, I can tell." I said,
"How can you tell just by looking at it?" The man said, "She's an
alcoholic, she can tell." Not impressed, I said, "Well, you didn't ask for
a double, and we don't serve them anyway." The lady said, "Oh, shut up and
just bring me a double!" I was a bit shocked, then I almost laughed.
I looked at my bare wrist like I was checking my watch and said, "Oh, look at
the time. We just stopped serving drinks to just the two of you."
These three huge black guys were sitting next to them, and they started
laughing. One of them said to the couple, "Man, you just got yo' lush ass
cut off!"
Friday, September 17, 2004
Shift: 8 PM - 4 AM
Station: Breaker
All right, I do not work at The Orleans. I guess I made it sound
that way when I said the American Idol tryouts were here. What I
meant was: here in town. So I changed the wording in my previous Daily
Round. Sheesh...one little slipup and I get a whole slew of e-mails!
Actually, I appreciate you guys pointing out my mistakes. I hate typos and
broken links on web sites - thanks for letting me know about those too - geez,
when it rains it pours!
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Shift: 9 AM - 5 PM
Station: Slots
There's a guy who is convinced that a progressive machine is going to pay off,
so he's been playing the same machine for a week straight. He canceled his
flight home and takes catnaps at the machine when he's tired. He has the
slot personnel save his machine while he grabs something to eat and sometimes
goes up to his room and sleeps for an hour. The machine is right outside
the service bar, so every waitress, bartender, barback, bar porter, and even
customer, has heard his life story, and how he had a dream that he was going to
win the jackpot. He's a musician, and he is a patient person and he knows
that if he just keeps playing he'll win. It's the same philosophy he
applied to his personal life five years ago: he was having an affair with a
married woman and he just waited it out and she left her husband for him.
That's great. Anyway, he's going to give it another week, and if he
doesn't win, he'll know that the machine is rigged. Lack of sleep and lack
of common sense is not a good combination. His cuckoo clock is striking
thirteen.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit
OK, so most of you know that I am an American Idol fanatic.
Well, they had the tryouts here in town at The Orleans Hotel and Casino on Sunday, and
as I was dropping off a drink at a table I overheard a customer saying something
like, "Simon was kind of rude, but I made it anyway." I immediately
accosted him and said, "Did you try out for American Idol?" He
said, "Yes, and I made the final round." I was like, "Oh my god...you
don't understand...I LOVE American Idol! How were the tryouts
here?" He said, "Well, I tried out in Florida, but they postponed the
final round because of the hurricane, so they flew me out here." I said,
"What is your name? I'm going to put you on my web site and vote for you!"
He said, "Really? It's Ben Jacob, and you'll definitely see me on TV."
I said, "You're not going to be on the William Hung special, are you?" He
laughed and said, "No." He was so cute, young and blond, really nice and
polite. I was so excited I acted like a total dork and I kicked myself
afterwards because I forgot to get his autograph. He looked like he could
be a Backstreet Boy or be in one of those boy bands. A perfect American
Idol!
I created a new page entitled "Diversions." All cocktailing and no play makes Dollie a dull girl! And what better time to party it up than when I've got a bun in the oven and a blimp in my ass, supported by my lovely cankles.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit
One of the cocktail waitresses got her ass grabbed by some drunk guy walking by.
She turned around, seized him by the shirt collar, got right in his face and
said, "You're coming with me." He said, "Aw...what's the big deal...I
didn't do nothin'." She said, "You're in big trouble, there are cameras
everywhere." So this pathetic loser allowed himself to be dragged to
security, where he was arrested by the cops and is now being charged with sexual
assault. What a sorry piece of shit.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Shift: 1 AM - 9 AM
Station: Slots
My boobs are so huge, and not in a good way. I knocked over my tray twice
with them, and both times there were tons of people who saw me do it. I
couldn't even fake like someone bumped into me and blame it on them. Some
guy elbowed me by accident right in my left boob while trying to hand me a tip.
He was so embarrassed, but I said, "It's all right. They're out of
control." That must have embarrassed him even more because he didn't say
anything, and wouldn't even acknowledge me when I came around to take orders
again. Yeah, big boobs are great...too bad the rest of my body is big too!
Thursday, September 9, 2004
Shift: 11 AM - 7 PM
Station: Pit
I was taking orders when I noticed this guy throw his cigarette onto the floor
and stub it out with his shoe. I looked down and saw a bunch of cigarette
butts, all had been ground into the carpet. It was disgusting. I
said to the guy, pointing at four clean ashtrays right next to him, "We have
ashtrays." He immediately waved me off, and in some foreign accent said,
"I know. Don't bother me." I said, "Sir, please don't throw your
cigarettes on the floor, use the ashtrays." He said, "I'm on vacation!
Leave me alone!" You know, companies are so big on treating customers like
"guests in your own home." Let me ask you, what would you do with a
"guest" like that? I'd throw his ass out. After making him clean up
his shit.
Wednesday, September 8, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit
An old man ordered a Bloody Mary and his wife didn't want anything. When I
brought his drink I said, "Here's your Bloody Mary." He said, "That's not
mine, I don't like Bloody Marys. I ordered a Screwdriver." Then he
turned to his wife and laughed and said, "She thought I ordered a Bloody Mary -
how could she confuse those two?!" His wife looked at him and said, "You
did order a Bloody Mary, you fool." He said, "Oh...oh, uh, here,"
he took the drink as he embarrassingly got money out of his wallet. "I
apologize, Dear. Could you bring me a Screwdriver the next time you come
by?" Man, that was classic. I wanted to kiss his wife.
Sunday, September 5, 2004
Shift: 8 PM - 4 AM
Station: Pit
There's this new guy at work who gives me the creeps. He looks like a
goofier version of Austin Powers, if you can believe that, with these
horn-rimmed glasses that he's always pushing up with his finger. His body,
as loathe as I am to look at it much less describe it, is dumpy and he walks a
bit hunched over in a heavy, plodding way, like Sasquatch. Now, if that
were the extent of his shortcomings, I could live with it. In fact, if he
were a nice guy I might even feel sorry for him and chalk it up to crack baby,
inbreeding, Chernobyl - whatever - a result of circumstances beyond his control.
But no, this guy thinks he's the ultimate in cool, God's gift to mankind.
He's a loudmouth know-it-all, doesn't do shit at work except annoy everyone, and
has nauseated us with tidbits like, "I cheated on my girlfriend because I have a
really high libido. I think I'm going crazy because every woman I meet
falls in love with me. I had sex with a 45-year-old when I was 17."
Yeah, maybe a 45-year-old corpse. I've confronted every manager and
none will fess up to being the one who hired him, but they all want to kill him.
He is a waste of payroll. Usually I am very nice to new people, right away
introducing myself and talking to them to make them feel welcome. But this
guy, I just got that uneasy feeling called intuition that there is something not
quite right. I wouldn't want to be alone in an elevator with him, and I
would definitely keep my child away from him. I'm telling you, he's going
to end up on America's Most Wanted.
Thursday, September 2, 2004
Shift: 10 AM - 6 PM
Station: Pit
This lady was flagging me down, and when I got to her she said, "Oh, thank
god...I need a cup of coffee now! In fact, bring me two. I need to
wake up. Make them decaf." I said, "You need to wake up and you want
decaf?" She said, "Yes, and make sure it's strong." OK, whatever.
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit
This well-dressed man ordered a red wine, so I brought it to him. When I came back
around I saw that he hadn't drank any of it. He held the glass out to me
and said, "Can you take this, it's terrible. Bring me another red wine,
but this time in the appropriate stemware." I said, "We don't have
stemware." He said, "Well, how the hell are people supposed to enjoy the
wine? These stupid glasses ruin the taste of it." I said, "Sir,
we're not in wine country, it comes out of a box. How much more enjoyable
can it be in a wine glass?" He said, "Just forget it, I don't want
anything." Then this guy, probably in his 40s, said, "I'll have a Sunny D." I said,
"A what?" He said, with frustrated sarcasm, "Yeah, Sunny D. You
know, Sunny Delight." I said, "Yeah, I know what it is. I just can't
believe you actually said it with a straight face. And no, we don't have it." And then
there was the guy who was in his 30s, a little slow, like a child, and was
really sweet, so I chatted with him a little bit each time I brought him a Coke. He told me he
lived with his mom, and that this was the first time he came to Vegas all by
himself, and then he handed me a piece of paper and said, "Here's my room number,
maybe you can come up during your break." So much for the whole Forrest Gump act.