Monday, August 30, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit
I walked by this guy and he said, "You're beautiful."  Since I hadn't heard that in awhile, I stopped and smiled, and genuinely said, "Thank you, that's very nice."  He said, "You're welcome.  Look."  He showed me a book he was holding.  "It says in here to say that to all the cocktail waitresses even if it's not true.  I guess it worked, huh?"  I just looked at him and said, "Uh...yeah.  That was great."  I felt like a total loser, with the idiot smile still frozen on my face...I really wasn't sure how to react.  The worst part was, there was a man sitting close by who had obviously heard everything, and he was laughing to himself and shaking his head while playing his slot machine.  Yeah, laugh it up, Bud!  Boy, I tell ya, the truth hurts!

Sunday, August 29, 2004
Shift: 1 AM - 9 AM
Station: Slots
This girl said, "I want to order a drink, but I don't know what I want.  Can you suggest something?  I like fruity drinks."  I said, "How about a Screwdriver?"  She said, "What's in that?"  I said, "Vodka and orange juice."  She said, "Oh, I don't like vodka."  So I said, "Well, you'll have to tell me what kind of alcohol you like or we're not gonna get anywhere."  She said, "I don't know.  How about a Madras?"  I kind of laughed (a Madras is made with vodka, orange juice, and cranberry juice) and said, "Good choice, much better than a Screwdriver."

Saturday, August 28, 2004
Shift: 1 AM - 9 AM
Station: Slots
I gave this guy a drink and he said, "Sorry, I'd give you a tip but this machine is so tight.  This casino is the worst I've ever been to.  I've been playing this machine for an hour and I haven't won anything."  I said, "Then why don't you stop playing?"  He said, "Well, I don't want to do that!"  I just walked away.  What an idiot.

Thursday, August 26, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit

That, people, is the miracle of life.  I actually screamed, "Oh my god, what the hell is that?!"  He looks like the grim reaper flipping me off!  I was like, "Are you sure you guys have this on the right channel?"  Well, it's nice to know somebody's having a good time through all of this.  By the way, he takes after his father.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit
So I'm walking around taking orders when somebody behind me says, "Excuse me, you might want to pull down your dress."  I reached around and was horrified to discover that my dress was stuck in the waist of my nylons.  Now, the worst part was that this was almost twenty minutes into my shift.  That means that I walked all the way from my car through the parking lot, into the building past security guards that said hi to me, up the stairs with employees behind me, across the casino with a million people walking around, into the service bar with other cocktail waitresses, took out a couple of orders, and not one person told me that my big, fat, pregnant, cottage cheese, three-ton ass was exposed for all to see.  Great.  Good thing I was wearing underwear.

Monday, August 23, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit
This really drunk guy ordered a Heineken.  When I brought it, I saw that he still had a full beer, so I picked up his beer and set it down again.  His back was to me, so I said to him, "Here's your Heineken."  He turned to me and said, "Oh, OK, thanks."  And he gave me a red.  When I came around again, his beer was half gone and he ordered again.  When I came back I picked up and set down his half-gone beer and said, "Here's your Heineken."  He said, "Damn, girl, you're the best!"  And he gave me another red.  The other customers were laughing, and the pit boss just shook his head.  When I came back again, his beer was almost empty and he said, "One more!"  So...once again when I came back I picked up and set down his now empty bottle, and once again he gave me a red and said, "Keep 'em coming!"  When I came back again he said, "I'm gonna need another one, I drank that one fast."  I said, "Sorry, we're all out of Heinekens."  He looked at me, confused, and said, "You don't have anymore?"  I said, "No, you drank them all."  He said, "Damn!"  Then, thinking hard, he said, "You got bottled water?"  I said, "I think we still have a few."  He said, "Can I get one?"  I said, "Of course."

I finally updated my Monday night pic, so check it out!

Sunday, August 22, 2004
Shift: 1 AM - 9 AM
Station: Slots
Ahhh...another wonderful Saturday night crowd.  First, I had this bum following me around, telling me it was his birthday, that he was a multi-millionaire, then he said, "Where's my drink?"  I said, "You didn't order a drink."  He said, "Yes, I did.  I ordered a Louis the 5th."  I started laughing (there's no such thing, there is a Louis XIII, it's a cognac, and it starts at around $1,000.00 a bottle).  I said, "We don't have Louis V."  He said, "Yes, you do."  "No, we don't."  "Yes, you do."  "No, we don't."  "Yes, you do."  I said, "OK, go to the bar and order it.  Tell the bartender I'll pay for it."  He said, "Nevermind.  I'll tell you what, get me a shot of Grand Marnier."  I said, "Yeah, sure, anything else?"  "Yeah, and a Long Island.  Get me two of those."  "No problem, I'll get right on that."  So I called security on his ass.  Then I had another bum sitting at a video poker machine who ordered a double shot of Jack Daniel's and a Coke, and oh yeah, could you bring me a Heineken too, Dollface?  I said, "No, you already ordered a shot and a Coke, besides, you have to be playing."  He started getting out his wallet, "Oh yeah, I was just waiting for change."  I asked a floorperson to keep an eye on him, to see if he played while I went to the bar.  When I came back she said, "No, he's just been sitting there."  So I went up to him and said, "I told you, you have to be playing."  He pulled out his wallet and showed me a wad of bills, "I have been playing.  Look, I have money."  I said, "Well, it's not considered playing unless money goes into the machine."  There were these customers sitting next to him, and one of them said, "He was teaching me how to play."  I said, "It doesn't matter, he has to be playing."  (This is a very common ploy that bums use, to "befriend" a stranger, then ask them to order a drink for them.  You have to be very careful of people like that, they act very nice, but then pressure you to give them cash or even steal your bucket of money.  If you win a big jackpot or let them see how much money you have in your wallet, they could follow you and rob you.)  So I had to call security on his ass too.  Then this guy fell on the floor and had a seizure.  Everyone had to stand around and gawk, including me, because since we couldn't help we might as well make him feel more like a freak.  And then I had this guy who, as I walked by him and said, "Cocktails?  Drinks anyone?", threw his hands up next to his ears and said, "Shut up!  Shut up!"  I said, "Who are you talking to?"  He said, "You.  Shut up!  Stop saying 'cocktails' and just let me play this machine."  I started laughing and said, "Sorry, that's my job."  When I came back around again I saw that he was the only one in that row, so I went up behind him and said, "Cocktails!  Would you like something to drink?"  He just ignored me.  I came back around again, and I did it again.  The next time I came back, he was gone.  That was too bad, I was beginning to enjoy my night.  Maybe he went to nominate me for Employee of the Month.

Saturday, August 21, 2004
Shift: 1 AM - 9 AM
Station: Slots
I walked up to a group of guys and took their orders.  They were really nice, laughing and joking, asking me my name, and just having a great time.  One of them said, "When is your baby due?"  I said, "What?"  He patted his stomach, then pointed to mine and said, "Your baby, when is it due?"  I stared at him and said, "I'm not pregnant."  Suddenly there was silence, and I could see some of his friends look at each other with their hands over their mouths, whispering, "Oh, shit!", shocked that he could have made such an embarrassing faux pas.  The guy said, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry.  I didn't mean anything.  What I mean is, I thought you were pregnant, but I can see that you're not.  I swear, you don't look fat or anything."  The other guys were snickering, and one of them said, "Man, you are an ass!"  I started laughing and said, "I'm just kidding.  Of course I'm pregnant!  I'm due in January, thanks for asking!"  All his friends started busting up laughing, and the guy said, "Are you serious?  You about gave me a heart attack.  Seriously, you are pregnant, right?  I mean, you still don' t look fat or anything.  You don't even really look pregnant.  In fact, I couldn't even tell except your uniform is different than the other girls.  I bet you were really hot before - I mean - you're still hot...OK...I'm gonna shut up now."  Now that was fun.

Thursday, August 19, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit
This lady ordered a White Zinfandel and when I brought it to her she said, "What's that?"  I said, "It's a White Zinfandel."  She held the glass up and looked at it closely, brought it to her nose and sniffed it, then looked at it again.  I said, "What are you doing?"  She said, "Well, I just have never seen it in a glass like this before.  Are you sure it's a White Zinfandel?"  I just laughed and said, "Yes."  She took a dainty little sip, made a face and handed the glass back to me.  "That is not a White Zinfandel."  Sighing, I said, "Yes, it is."  She said, "Well, it tastes horrible.  Do you have any wines that come in a wine glass?"  I said, "I'll see what I can do."  So I went back to the bar, poured her same drink into a wine glass, and brought it back.  She saw me coming and a big smile came on her face, "That's what I want!"  She took a drink out of it and said, "Now that's a White Zinfandel."  She gave me a five and said, "I'm sorry, I'm just really picky about my wines."  That's great, lady.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit
When I gave this guy a drink he handed me a hundred dollar bill and said, "Give me fifteen back."  I looked at the bill, looked at him, and said, "Are you sure?"  He said, "Yeah, keep five and give me fifteen back."  Still hesitating, I said, "But you gave me ---"  "My god!  How hard can this be?"  He started gesturing with his hands, over exaggerating give-and-take motions and speaking at a super-slow warped speed, "You take five dollars...give me back fifteen dollars...understaaand?"  He rolled his eyes and shook his head at some customers who were sitting nearby.  I held up his hundred dollar bill about 2 inches from his face and said, "You gave me a hundred dollar bill, so I'd be more than happy to give you fifteen back, but that means I'd be keeping eighty-five dollars...understaaand?"  The customers around us started laughing, and one guy slapped him in the arm and said, "Boy, that would have been one hell of a tip!"  The guy grabbed the bill back and said, "Yeah, and she would have kept it too," and he started looking in his wallet for another bill. Someone else said, "She deserves it, after all that."  I said, "Don't worry about it, I make enough scamming money off everyone else."  What an ass.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Shift: 2 AM - 10 AM
Station: Pit
One of the dealers asked me, "Is this your first baby?"  I said, "First and only."  She said, "Oh, that's good.  I remember when you used to have such a perfect body."  I was like, "Uh...yeah, so do I."  Yeah, thanks.  Give me another Krispy Kreme.

Sunday, August 15, 2004
Shift: 9 AM - 5 PM
Station: Slots
How disgusting is this...I was walking through the slots taking orders when I saw this lady sitting at a machine playing video poker.  On the floor underneath her, I saw that her feet were in a pool of what looked like puke.  As I approached her I could smell that it definitely was puke.  I said, trying myself not to hurl, "Ma'am, I think you're stepping in vomit."  She said, still looking at her machine continuing to play, "Oh yeah.  My husband got sick so he went to the restroom."  I was a bit horrified at her nonchalance, so I said, "Um, do you want me to find someone to clean that up?"  She said, "Oh, that's all right.  He said he'd find someone for me.  Besides, I'm on a winning streak, I've hit three 4-of-a-kinds!"  And she flashed me a smile.

I've put up a new page entitled "So You Want My Job?"  This is to address all the crazies out there who, despite my rants, want to brave the elements...come one, come all!

Saturday, August 14, 2004
Shift: 9 AM - 5 PM
Station: Slots
OK, so here's what happened.  I got this virus on my computer called the Trojan Horse, and it completely shut down my computer and I freaked out. I thought I lost everything until a good friend of mine was able to save all my files and gave me a very valuable tip (no pun intended): get a second hard drive, which I've done.  But he didn't realize that I used Microsoft Outlook to get my e-mails and Microsoft FrontPage to build my web site, so he didn't save those.  So, everyone who's e-mailed me last month and is wondering, "When is that bitch going to write back?", well...I probably won't because I lost all the opened e-mails and my address book too.  So if you want to re-e-mail me, I promise I will write as soon as I can.  Those who have written me before know that I always reply, it may just take me awhile.  And those who had written to just let me know you enjoy my web site, thank you very much, and I would have replied personally but like I said, I lost all my e-mails.  By the way, I'm completely satisfied with the size and performance of my penis, I don't have an account with Citibank so I don't need to verify my account number, and I'd rather troll for tips so I'm not interested in transferring millions of dollars from Nigeria...so stop spamming me with your bullshit and scams...how stupid do you think I am, I'm a cocktail waitress after all.  Actually, I must be pretty stupid because the day I got my computer back and started using it, I got another Trojan Horse virus.  So if I disappear again for awhile, you'll know why.

Now for the other news...I'm pregnant!  Yeah, scary as it seems, I've got a little fetus bouncing around inside me.  Scarier still, I don't even know who the father is.  Just kidding!  Seriously, when I'm not puking or peeing myself, I'm thrilled to death.  It's a lovely ride.  I was unsure if I wanted to announce this on my web site, but I figure it's as good a topic as any.  Whether or not it's interesting is debatable.  In any case, since I don't know the first thing about having a healthy pregnancy or being a good mother, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on, and I'm driving my doctor insane with my list of questions at every appointment.  I know that you can never be completely prepared, but there is nothing else in the world where knowledge is more invaluable.  I'm extremely lucky because my boyfriend is more supportive and into this than I could have hoped for, he goes to every appointment with me, he cooks me dinner almost every night, and he gives me massages...why didn't I fake being pregnant before?!  I've compiled a list of answers to every question I've encountered:

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